Diana's Share: Why Women Emasculate Men
From Diana: This video created a lot of discussion between us. For my partner, Mike, it was validating and reassuring. He felt like someone was finally articulating things he has experienced but perhaps hasn’t known how to express.
My reaction was almost the opposite. I couldn’t make it through the whole video in one sitting because I reacted so strongly to it. Initially, at least, I found it inflammatory, overly simplistic and, in places, downright insulting. I sometimes think Armstrong is trying to get at something worthwhile, but she says it in ways that I think can actually be damaging to relationships between men and women.
Here are my main disagreements (there are more) with her ideas :
- men need to stay strong and not cave to what women want, because once they do that women don't actually want them anymore because they are emasculated and not strong enough in the ways that women actually need.
- the biggest danger to women is between our own ears and men need to save us from that. (Seriously?!?!?)
- men should never reveal their weaknesses or their fears to women because "most wives" will use it against them to manipulate them. (I think it this is true, the man should walk away immediately, as should anyone in any relationship)
- women will always manipulate men. She states the reason is because women can be hurt by men, and are therefore dependent on them, and when people are dependent they will always manipulate
What I did agree with
- some women can actually belittle men sometimes. Sadly, yes, as can anyone, towards anyone, but I think it has become a little too "ok" to do this towards men in recent years.
- good, kind men will sometimes give up their power to women who may not deserve it, or who are unwittingly trying to improve their relationship by 'helping' men to be more sensitive. I think there is much nuance here that is broadly misunderstood. The whole subject of "toxic masculinity" glosses over the difference between being strong, assertive and result focused, as opposed to being pushy, arrogant and entitled. We want men to be strong, AND we want women who are strong, in whatever ways they each can bring. Being strong and assertive does not mean you are a brute. I think we have thrown the baby out with the bath water here. This in itself has been the topic of long discussions between us at home, and I still dont think the difference is clear, even between us.
• We all need to know ourselves before entering a partnership. What are we good at? What are our weaknesses and fears? Can we support ourselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially? The more deeply we understand ourselves, the better able we are to choose—and be—a good partner.
So Think and Think Again...
One thing I have come to understand differently because of this video, and because of the subsequent hours (yes, hours! 😂) of listening to Mike talk about it, is this:
What I might see as a man simply listening to or supporting a woman, Mike can sometimes experience as a man giving up his power or allowing himself to be diminished. Those things feel much more intertwined to him than they do to me, so I can see how men may have received some confusing and contradictory messages about what women want from them: Be strong, but not too strong. Be sensitive, but not weak. Listen to us, but don’t lose yourself in the process.
So far I think that's it.
I’m also the mother of a 31-year-old man who is extraordinarily kind—probably unusually so, I would say. And sometimes I wonder whether he gives away too much of his own sense of self in his determination not to be difficult for the women in his life. That gives me another reason to take some of this seriously.
Raising him has continually challenged my own biases about gender differences—biases I earned through the usual hard knocks of growing up female. My deep sense is still that we have far more in common as human beings than we have differences based on gender, which is probably why Armstrong’s approach tweaked me right off the bat.
Still. Deep breath. 😂 Trying to stay open, listen to what men are saying about their own experiences, and maybe think about some of this again.
Thank you to Jearnne for creating this platform, by the way. We desperately need more of this in the world right now!
Curious what others of all genders think of this one.
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Remember, you don’t need to be an expert to join the conversation. Questions, reactions and different perspectives are all welcome. Comment below👇🏻
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